Chapter 1

Chapter 1
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She washed away the tears with her pink dress. She never liked that dress, she only wore it because her boobs looked great in it and she needed him to be distracted while she told him he was never sleeping with her again. She never understood why this kept happening to her. She would meet a really great guy at a party or just getting some coffee, they would hit it off and talk about anything and everything, she felt a real connection, they would sleep together, and then bam. Suddenly she felt like she needed a whole new identity. The guy would always call, try and see her again, but that was the last thing she wanted. She was beginning to wonder if men were really the problem. It wasn't that she didn't like them, she just couldn't understand why she always had to pick the ones who WOULD call her in the morning.  She was beginning to wonder where all the assholes were.  Those she could deal with.
This one she met while traveling the country. She was on a road trip to get back to nature, which basically meant instead of a car she settled for her bicycle and a backpack to carry all her stuff in. When she found a place she liked, she found odd jobs here and there to pay for a greyhound bus ticket, then as soon as she had enough money to survive for a bit she'd be off again. Sometimes she felt like seeing the country at her own pace, sometimes her legs were tired and she wanted someone else to take over for a while so she would buy a ticket for a greyhound bus. She was lucky that almost nobody minded the bike that needed its own seat.
She normally didn't need any man in her life. She was on this trip to get away from men. Or maybe she had just gotten sick of screwing--and being screwed-- by the same ones. Sometimes she would be in a place long enough to meet someone she would consider sleeping with. But the problem with guys, at least as she was beginning to understand it, was that they never wanted to feel used.
Men had no problem taking what they wanted from a woman. But the minute a woman does the same thing, it's all over with. Instead of just meeting someone and being with that person for the night, these men insisted on being the perfect gentleman and were "genuinely interested" in her story. They all promised her that once she met the right guy, she wouldn't have to keep traveling, she would never want to leave her other half. The problem with her is that she always seemed to fall for the guys who were nice enough, but she could always see one problem worth bothering her so when things weren't perfect she could just skip town and be free again.

All these guys she met in the towns she happened to be staying in were nice enough and she liked that, she just wasn't sure why they all had to be so considerate.  It made leaving that much harder.  But she wasn't on the road to find a new boyfriend.  She was on the road because she was running away from an old one. Or at least the remnants of him. She could have just stayed by herself and not talk to anyone, but somehow she felt comforted by the fact that somebody still wanted her. She didn't want to admit it but maybe she was looking for someone who she didn't have to run away from. That was when she found him.
Jimmy was 6'6 with the most gentle eyes she had ever seen, and a smile to match. The first time she met him chatting her up in a Starbucks line, she was hooked. Something about this man was different, she could feel it. And for once she stayed rooted to the ground. For 3 glorious months, she had a home: in his arms.

3 months! It was the longest she had ever spent in one place. She was beginning to make some friends and the motel she was staying at started to feel like home. That was when it happened.
"Christina, I love you."
He was wrapped up in her blankets, his big arms around her tiny frame, gently kissing the back of her neck.
 "did you hear me? I said I love you."
She didn't want to turn around for fear of having to look this man in the face. "shit," she thought. "I have to get out of here."
To him she just cleared her throat. She wanted to answer him, she really did, but she didn't want the words to be fake. She didn't want to have to tell him to fuck off right this very second. She was so sure that this wasn't it, that he wasn't the One, that she instantly panicked. "look at me, Christina. Say something."
Slowly she turned around, her face not quite ready to see his yet. Sure enough upon turning around she saw it: the look. His eyes had never looked so blue, his face blushed from just having expressed his feelings. She must have known where this would lead; all the signs were pointing that way. They held hands at the breakfast table while reading their sections of the newspaper. They spent more time together than apart, and she could not for the life of her stop kissing him. She felt instantly warm inside the minute she was in his arms, and apart she felt completely miserable. That only meant one thing: it was time to leave. But how could she ruin such a beautiful moment? How could she look into those beautiful eyes she had grown so fond of and not feel the same way? How could she have been so stupid and not kept her walls up?
"you don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know that I love you."
Shit, he said it twice now. She had to say something back.  She tried using her voice but her throat had ceased working. A little whispered "thank you" was all that managed to come out, followed by a "I think I need a glass of water."
It was time to hit the road again. But how?

It wasn't that she didn't feel anything for him. On some level, she really did care for him. He was the sweetest man she had ever met.  But this was supposed to be a trip, she had places to go and new people to meet. She wasn't ready to plant her feet to the ground and grow roots. She needed to stay free.
She did it to herself, really. She let herself get caught up in this wonderful man. She didn't really know what she was looking for but in him she found someone she belonged to. But belonging to someone meant losing yourself, meant that person had the power to break your heart into a million pieces and then kick a puppy in the face while raping your mother while making you watch. She couldn't risk that feeling, of what came after the "I love you." she refused to give in, to let her guard down completely. With Jimmy it was so easy, he was the best man she had ever found. That's why she had to end it, so he could find someone else to love that would love him back.

"you don't love me, Jimmy."
"what?!?"
"you heard me."
"christina, I know--"
"you don't know shit."
"oh I don't? I don't know that you're thinking about running again?"
"I have to."
"no, you don't."
"yes, I do."
"why?"
"you know why."
"because I love you?"
"yes!"
"I love you and I want you to stay here with me and be happy with me so you're going to leave?"
"yes."
"that's the stupidest shit I've ever heard."
"that might be true, but at least it's my shit."
"I hope you have a good life, Christina. I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for. But when you're all alone just remember: you did that to yourself. Goodbye."

And with that, he was gone. Christina watched him walk out the door, but she didn't follow. She heard his footsteps get quieter as he walked away, and the door open and close as he walked out of the motel she was staying at. She really meant to be the one to be the dumper, most of the time men didn't mind being dumped, it let them off the hook easy. But Jimmy wasn't one of those men. And he wasn't stupid, either. He knew what her plans were and he called her out. She might be skipping town, but he was the one who ended things with her. And he had every right to. He told her he loved her and her first instinct was to run away. She looked down at herself, at the pink dress she carefully picked out so she would look fabulous for the whole break up scene. She was going to let him down easy in some public place so he couldn't create a scene and she was going to walk away so the last view he had of her was her ass as she walked away. But he got to her first, before they even left the room. He didn't look happy, not like that morning when he said those 3 words that ruined everything.  The next time she found a town to stay in, she wouldn't let herself be with anyone, not even for one night. She was through with men. More tears fell as she took off the ridiculous dress, she couldn't bear to bring it with her. Even though it was getting late, she started her ritual of packing up her stuff. She had saved enough money to get her a ticket to practically anywhere she wanted, and right now she couldn't think of a better place than sunny Florida. It was starting to get cold where she was, up in Maine. She figured she could still make it to the greyhound station if she could make it within the next hour.

She glanced at the clock by the nightstand. 9:43pm. Vinny would be at the desk by now. She felt a ping in her chest as she dialed the number to the front desk.
Vinny picked up on the second ring. "super 8, this is Vinny how can I help you?" she opened her mouth to speak but no words came out at first. What the fuck was wrong with her tonight? She pushed through the anxiety in the pit of her stomach as she finally answered. "hey, Vinny." "room 6b! My favorite tenant! What can I do for you tonight?" she knew what she had to say. She had to make sure there was a bus ticket with her name on it and a cab waiting for her outside to take her away from this place, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to say the words to make that happen. "come on, Christina. Don't be such a huge wuss."

"I need a greyhound ticket to Boynton Beach,  Florida and a cab to take me to the station," were the words that finally came out of her mouth. She had tried to sound nonchalant about the whole thing but what ended up coming out was a voice that wasn't even hers.
"did you and Jim have a fight? He seemed pretty pissed when he stomped out of here," Vinny said, desperate for the gossip. "you could say that. Can you get me a ticket?" "working on it now, Chris. Is there a reason you're leaving so late at night?" "yeah, my time in Maine is over. I'm ready for a change."

Vinny almost dropped the phone. He knew that christina's time at the hotel was temporary, but there was something about her that he had grown attached to. She had such a warm smile, despite all the sadness he could see behind it and how her eyes hid messages he would never get.  She was unlike any of the other folks who ended up at this place. Most of them just wanted the room for an hour so they could screw their mistresses in peace, or there was some kind of drug deal going on. He tried to keep a clean place but he didn't run a Holiday Inn, just a Super 8 right off the highway. But christina was clean. She always had a quippy comeback for him and she found a great man in Jim. He and Jim knew each other from high school and though they weren't the best of friends, they were polite to each other in the halls and never had a mean word to say about the other. He was happy that Jim was happy with someone like Christina. But the way Jim stormed out that night, with that look on his face, it could only mean one thing: they had some kind of fight. That was obvious as he saw Christina walking down the hall, trying to look like she always did but failing miserably.